Hallucinations

Yuki Ijuin's blog that records interesting tidbits of his daily contemplations. Mostly bordering on psychotic bits. :P

Prelude to Disaster. (Teaser Post)

Friday, November 27, 2009 6:53 PM Posted by Yuki Ijuin
, 2 comments

It was about a week ago, when suddenly I got a nudge on MSN. It was Lee, a friend of mine, who was messaging me.

Lee: Weh. Lets go AFA.
Me: Sot ar. (Are you crazy?)
Lee: Seriously.
Me: You pay for busfare I go.
Lee: Can.

And the deal was sealed. Some what. I whined a lot during the week about how I don't have enough money (I really didn't.) But in the end we managed to make it anyways. This is a trip that took the The Figure Mall members about 2 months to organize and plan out, we just decided we're going within about oh... 15 seconds?

(I shit you not, I looked like this in front of the PC all the way to Yong Peng, in fact, I believe this face remained intact for the remainder of the first day, reasons will be known later. XD)

Let's skip all the juicy details about me whining about money and hotel rooms, or my hissy fits at Lee's ulterior motive to go.

So on friday night, holding the backpack that I packed the night before. I went to my English Language Centre to give the little kids a revision before their exams, and headed directly to Puduraya to catch our bus which departs at 11pm. The busride was pretty calm and peaceful except that Lee was pretty much excited out of his brains and refuses to sleep. Perhaps it was because of the Milo he drank earlier or whatnot. In the end his pacifier was my PSP, cause he forgot to bring his. The driver was pretty cool and responsible, barely over the speed limit and the ride was smooth. At around 4am or so, we reached singapore.

(Roaming the streets of Singapore in the wee hours of morning.)

Singapore at night is a sight to behold, silent, quiet, calm. Well, with the exception of the sheer amount of cabs going around the place. I managed to see some prostitutes hanging around in groups in some corners (Since we were kind of at the fringe of Geylang, I guess), we walked around a bit, Lee got some Unagi/Nori Jack and Jill Potato chips from a 7-11. We made our way to the McDonalds at Bugis Jt. Prolly should've listened to Lee about taking a cab to drop off our stuff at Mt Emily's Hang Out Place (Where other TFM members were residing for the night.) But I urged him to trudge on, it took us half an hour or so of walking to get to Bugis Junction cause we were moving real slowly. And another half an hour or so to reach Mt Emily after lagging in the Mcdonalds a bit. We dropped off our stuff with Taugeh, the owner of TFM and rested for a bit. At around 7:30am, we departed towards Suntec Exhibition halls to queue up for tickets into AFA09.

When we reached Suntec, we had no idea where to queue up, people were lined up all along the floor, considering the fact that it's at least a quarter mile long for our side of the balcony (The other half is an Xmas electronics fair) and the whole damn place was already flooded with people. The tickets booth doesn't even open until an hour later, the actual entry time was another hour after that. Luckily, the TFM members were already there, so we got a good spot. At around 9:30am, we got our tickets.

(Warning, artist depiction for level of happiness. Do not take at face value)

And thus. I'm officially an AFA attendee.

And then there's this guy.

I am, a boyfriend.

Thursday, September 24, 2009 11:30 PM Posted by Yuki Ijuin
, 2 comments

In this role, I'm a boyfriend.

Today. After my sole class ended at 9pm. I absentmindedly got on the buses and the trains, to get to Sunway Pyramid. The purpose was to see my girlfriend, whom I have not seen, or seriously talked to, for a month. I reached at a little over 10am. I wandered around aimlessly. Wondering what I should be doing when I finally see her again.

I didn't really need to ask myself that. When I saw her the first thing I wanted to do was to hold her in my arms. Well, not whilst still in the middle of the walkway, so we did it... in the middle of the walkway further down! XD

Having her close to me is the best feeling ever. Whenever I have her close, I really know how much I actually love her. To hold her close and not let go. To be under the bliss of being in love is a scary, yet so fulfilling. Having this feeling renewed is like being on a permanent sugar high.

I've always preached that to love is to unconditionally give and hope the same is true from your partner, however I've realized that I myself weren't doing that until I understood what it really meant until recently. Unconditionally giving isn't enough, you'd have to receive and appreciate what was given to you, this makes you give even more than what you can give individually. It kinds of snowballs into this giant ball of love that's almost unstoppable.

Thanks again dear. For this awesomest day.

P/S: That's a lot of "loves" for one post. A record! Love you dear.

Of What, Am I?

Monday, September 21, 2009 6:08 AM Posted by Yuki Ijuin
, 1 comments

It has been awhile since I've typed out my blogposts out on notepad first before I put it up.

My girlfriend was worried for me that I was tired of the relationship, that I was tired of her. I would like to dedicate some space on this little corner to her.

I love you. I can't be the gangster boyfriend with the fearless attitude; I can't be the romantic boyfriend that writes you poems; I can't be the reliable boyfriend that can give you a shoulder to cry on when you're upset; I can't be the prince that can give you accessibility to the things you'd want. I can only be myself. I'm not in any of those categories.

I'm not there when you need me; I can't help when I'm there; I never bought you anything you vocally wanted; I never wrote to you anything romantic; I'm a wimp that doesn't even dare to speak to you openly anymore. All I do is look for a corner and whimper. I'm not awesome. Not at all. To be honest I'm scared shitless everytime you mention that I am.

However, from the first time we met; the first time you put your head on my shoulders; the first time I put my hand unto the small of your back; the first time we held hands; the first time we kissed. I felt complete. I can't be any of those things and yet you've accepted me. You are much, much more awesome than I can ever be. I'm very grateful for that.

There are many things that I've said to you before but there is always something that I've always neglected to tell you. Something far less complex than "I love you", something far less romantic.

Thank you, dear. For letting me be your boyfriend.

August 25th

Tuesday, September 15, 2009 3:18 AM Posted by Yuki Ijuin
, 1 comments

I'm in a slump. I know what to do, but I've lost most if not all motivation to continue. I can't believe all this is because of an unfortunate event on that date. I can't think rationally, my finances are in the dumps, I'm struggling to fit back into my college life. I can't go back to my original life of a loner. I can't go back to arcades and relief stress, it just doesn't work anymore. I can't write. I can't speak. I have no outlet. Not even this place. I'm trapped in my own rational mind, thinking up million of possibilities of what could've happened and what can happen in the future.

Yet, this is not affecting me because I was chided, not because I was deemed the origin of all the problems. The fact that really hurt me was the realization that I -am- the origin of the troubles. The fact that if I didn't intrude, the circumstances of which are true now would not be. I would not be hurt by the realization that the consequences of my idiocy hurt others, especially someone so important. It serves to remind me how much of a human I am. As well as how stupid, how idiotic I am to trust emotions over the rational mind.

Despite reassurances. All that have happened to me was just a couple of sleepless nights and wandering minds. I have cracked someone else's family portrait, a crack that isn't easy to fill. I have caused trust to be discarded, trust that wasn't easily earned. I'm wrecked with guilt, guilt that is shared. In the end, what I've done was inexcusable, with the only saving grace being the knowledge that I am loved. I do not know for sure whether it was worth anything or even if it will be worth anything.

I do know however, that the choice of falling, and a perpetual one at that, is a wonderful feeling. To feel the air rush up to my face, the sound of the wind that viciously whirls by my ears, the feeling of bliss as the wind embraces my body. To lose control, to let gravity gently tug at your heart. All this, even for a moment that is pretending to be an eternity, is worth everything that I can ever have.

Will I meet the ground?

I love you dear. I don't know how long this moment will last, but as long as it continues to will itself to be an eternity. I shall continue to love you, for an eternity, however short or long that may be. We'll be together soon. I'll keep that as a reminder, to wait till the wind sweeps me up again. This time, you'll be in my arms.

Anonymity

Monday, August 24, 2009 2:54 AM Posted by Yuki Ijuin
, 1 comments

For a big portion of my life I've lived in anonymity.

Anonymity is a shield to me but it also hinders growth via retrospection and observation alike.

I am interested in learning what makes people tick. In learning what have made them grow, what had shaped them. I am interested in knowing their experiences their various connotative understanding of their world. It would be a privilege, if a friend had let me into their world, especially if the motive is known to be just plain curiousity. I deny people that privilege to do so on myself because I keep myself relatively anonymous. I ended up denying even myself to have that privilege of seeing how myself grown as a person through my experience too. I suppose my mind has done a much too thorough job of shielding myself from my own stupidity.

I believe it's this distance that gifts me my rationality. However is it also this distance that well, distances me from an actual relationship. Let's just hope it's not too late to learn.

Chapter 2 - Prologue

Friday, June 12, 2009 12:44 PM Posted by Yuki Ijuin
, 2 comments

"Congratulations!" Flashed on Yuki's Nintendo DS Lite console. It was the 4th time the screen had shown the word.

Yuki was playing Tetris on the steps at the front of the monorail station in Times Square. It was a full hour after the appointed time to meet up. He noted dully that it took him 15 minutes to finish a game of Tetris.

He sat on the steps, coldly calculating. There were nothing to calculate, he didn't know where she lived, her number or even whether she is showing up. Originally he was a little agitated, but he gave it due thought and consideration. He has decided to wait, it was the most worthwhile wait he has ever endured. He didn't know what transpired to cause the delay. So he figured there were no point in getting angry over nothing.

He walked calmly away from the monorail station. He intended to head to his usual hangout - The Arcade. Phone firmly held in hand, expecting a call at anytime. He walked, away from the designated rendezvous point. He felt guilty, but he knew he could get back there within a few minutes if needed.

On the way. The phone rang. One hand on the driving wheel of the game he was playing. Yuki picked up the phone. A young lady's voice was on the other end. She sounded ragged as if she was made to run. He abandoned his game to head back towards where they were supposed to meet. His mind worrying about what might have happened to make her acquaintance to be so exasperated.

He recalled a line from the conversation, "I'm errr... on the other side of the road?". Faint cracking lined the words, along with noise of vehicles moving along, sounds of tyres screeching on the tarmac like a bow and violin in an inexperienced player's hands.

*Beep* The line was cut off. Yuki futilely tried to call back to the number displayed on his cellphone, but everytime it connects, the same beep is heard. He was caught without ideas.
"Where was the origin of the call?" He thought deeply. The second call came, a brief talk, a slight description of where she was. And... nothing. He grew impatient and started trodding along the length of the monorail station of which he was at. The shopkeepers busy tending to their stalls, preparing for the day ahead; looked at Yuki with eyes of curiousity.

A third call. Her location was known. "Seven-Eleven." She said urgently. He felt that the line would be cut off again and it did. He wasted no time, he thought hard to find out where she might be. Then it hit him. The calls never lasted for longer than 60 seconds; it is not reachable when he calls back. She was using coins for a payphone.

He was right. He saw her making calls at a payphone. On the escalator down to the street she's standing at, he noticed how worried she was because of her lateness, how she was fumbling for the coins, the concerned way she put down the receiver.

She went towards the direction of the Seven-Eleven mentioned earlier. Yuki assumed it was for more coins to operate the payphone. Not wanting to increase her agitation, he went into the store with her, in time to stop her from being jilted by an increasingly annoyed store attendant.

More to come later. >_<

Current life updates.

12:23 PM Posted by Yuki Ijuin
, 1 comments

I successfully enrolled in college, currently in my 2nd month where all the quizzes, midterms start rolling in as well as the final assignments for the respective subjects.

Studying in UCSI. University College Sedaya International. Very long name; content, not so much. Students are averagely... average. While the lecturers are mostly the same. However, this is my foundation year. Where everything is cakewalk and students are still getting spoonfed. There are many students with unrealized potentials. Therefore only time will tell what will happen in the future.

As for myself, barely scraping by. Still living fine. So no worries there. As long as I still have my spark of insanity in me. I shall never actually go crazy.

Chapter 1 - Snapshots.

Thursday, May 07, 2009 10:55 PM Posted by Yuki Ijuin
, 0 comments

For you dear. What I promised.

---

"You're cute."

The phrase repeated itself perpetually in Yuki's mind as he was walking up a hill with a mild gradient; grass and trees, both young and husks lined the street on both sides. The bright sin's radiant heat created mirages not far off from his position, they remained forever fixated, moving with him.

"You're cute."

---

"I like you, alot." She whispered timidly into Yuki's ear.

It took him courage to rouse from a corpse-like state, to place his hand unto her waist after an eternity of inner turmoil and doubt. One that his companion of the day seems to have disregarded long ago. Her warmth seeped into him. He held her closer. Resting his head on top of hers which laid on his shoulder.

"I like you, alot." Repeated in his head.

---

"I would like to hold your hand again." he whispered to her.

The bus' engine roared on the ramp leading unto the highway. He was on his way to meet her again. At a shopping complex that he has not visited for a long time. Insecurity laced his mind. The passengers were few and uninteresting, Yuki decided to turn his gaze to the fast moving street. His interest at the passing trees and cars waned as the words weighted in his mind heavily. Eyelids lowered, he contemplated the words carefully. It carried a promise, for her; for himself. A promise that requested for a future when it was uncertain.

"I want to hold your hand again." His silent mutterings carried away by the noise of the bus.

---

"I miss you." a message appeared in the conversational window.

The title in the taskbar flashed incessantly. The message was simple and clear. She missed him. He missed her too even though he was chatting with her on his computer seat. Moreover, he missed her touch; her hands; her smell, when she rested her head on his shoulder. The cursor pointed towards the flashing title, the window appeared; The cursor flashing, begging for input.

"I miss you too." he typed in with a smile.

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